I believe each of us have one great love of our life. Not that you may not find love more than once, but that one can't really be compared to anyone else.
I also believe that each of us has a great sorrow. Different people and situations may bring tears at different times, but the sorrow I am referring to is one that may be described as chronic. It isn't bound by time or space. There is a place in your heart that doesn't ever completely heal. The refrain of a certain song, or the way the light reflects on the water or the smell of rain coming triggers a a tightness in your chest and a stinging in your eyes. The term 'a broken heart' takes on real meaning. The ache is so intense you wonder how is continues to beat and preserve your life.
If you live in a small town or are a part of a constant community those around you know your sorrow. You know theirs. But the truth is that each sorrow is individual. We can dry tears and show grace, but the sorrow is personal. It is owned by the one grieving.
Honestly, if you did not suffer through the loss of a child how can you know what it feels like? If your father did not leave before you were born and was never a part of your life how can you understand? What advice do you have for the young mother with cancer if you have never been through chemo or radiation?
My great sorrow is having a child who has been a drug abuser for 10 years. Who has been to prison twice and more rehabs that I can remember. Since we began this nightmare so many people have offered their insights:
"You should punish her. Punish her more." Or, "You should forgive her. Forgive her no matter what."
"She has a demon. She needs prayer. You need to fast." Or, "She is a child of God. Love her. Love her more."
"Your too strict," then "You're not strict enough."
"Send her away," or "Lock her up."
"Push forward", then "Step back."
Through these years I have often met myself coming and going. I always believed that someone else must know better than I. After all, I had created this mess hadn't I? Everyone seemed to have words of wisdom, but none of them ever matched. And none of it worked. That is because many of the voices I was listening to were lacking two things:
1.) experiencing a child on drugs and in the prison system
2,) offering their own opinion rather than the Word of God
The Lord is looking for laborers who will be transparent. Believers who will expose their own 'great sorrow' in order to minister to another hurting in the same manner. To survive we often take our hurt and put it in a box and place it out of sight of others. We only open the box when we can deal with the raw emotions that come. To let someone else see the pain would cause us to be vulnerable in a world that is looking to eat us alive. We fear that our sadness will consume us. It has before. For those around us to realize we are broken would make us appear weak ...wouldn't it? Aren't I supposed to be strong, confident and with all my ducks in a row? Can my great sorrow be used by God to help mend another hurting heart? And, in the process, could I actually receive some healing myself?
The Father is also looking for people who will offer His Word and not popular opinion. Faithful friends speak the truth in love. They have compassion for the pain, but encourage you to do the right thing, no matter the situation. They are lighthouses on storm-tossed seas, a hand that lightens the load, friend that is closer than a brother. They come down into the pit of your despair, but they do not leave there alone. They take you up and out with them.
To those who have bared your grief to me in order to put salve on my pain, I thank you. To those who have used the Word to comfort me, correct me and direct me, thank you. My life is what it is because you did what was required.
Lord, help me. Help me to break free of the fear that comes with baring all my joys and sorrows. Help me to know how important it is to offer the help found only in your Word. Let me be a child of the Light, Father.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, December 21, 2009
Going Where No Man...
The title is a little bit of an exageration, but I really did do something I've never done before. It was terribly nerve-racking and incredibly thrilling all at the same time.
I sang a solo in one of the songs in my church's Christmas prodution, 'The Christmas Offering.' I totally had no idea what it entailed for someone to get up and sing in front of people. The worship team on Sunday morning makes it look effortless...so natual. Maybe it is if you are talented, or you have weeks to practice. Which was not the case for me on either count.
I was getting excited about Christmas when our worship leader asked for people to sign up for the play, so I signed up. I figures I would be a sheep or a donkey. Maybe the last angel in the row. But, I got to be part of the sopranos. Not the mob, the singers with the really high voices. I want to say right here that they are the best group to be a part of. the altos were nice too. and the tenors. Everyone made me feel welcome. Being part of the group was great.
Then, a week before the presentation to the church, one of the soloists had to back out. I was sorry about that. I wondered who would take on the part. In prayer that week, God told me it was me who would do it. He is such a kidder. Very funny.
The next morning I got a call from Bobby, our worship leader. He asked if I could do him a favor. He asked if I could try to sing the solo part that had no soloist. I love Bobby. I think that swayed my decision. I said yes. Later, I realized what I had done. I was horrified.
I practiced and practiced. No amount of practice prepares you to sing in front of live people. You forget how to breath. Your knees won't be still. You feel flushed and think you may have a fever. When you hear the entro to your song, you completely forget the words. Is that even the music you have been practicing with? Oh Lord, what have you done?
Somehow, some way, I made it through. It was definitely the grace of God.
I don't know that I will ever sing a solo again. I don't know that Bobby would ever ask me to again. But I have done it. Once in my life I stood on stage in front of hundreds of people and sang. Definite bucket list item to check off. Thanks for the opportunity Lord.
I sang a solo in one of the songs in my church's Christmas prodution, 'The Christmas Offering.' I totally had no idea what it entailed for someone to get up and sing in front of people. The worship team on Sunday morning makes it look effortless...so natual. Maybe it is if you are talented, or you have weeks to practice. Which was not the case for me on either count.
I was getting excited about Christmas when our worship leader asked for people to sign up for the play, so I signed up. I figures I would be a sheep or a donkey. Maybe the last angel in the row. But, I got to be part of the sopranos. Not the mob, the singers with the really high voices. I want to say right here that they are the best group to be a part of. the altos were nice too. and the tenors. Everyone made me feel welcome. Being part of the group was great.
Then, a week before the presentation to the church, one of the soloists had to back out. I was sorry about that. I wondered who would take on the part. In prayer that week, God told me it was me who would do it. He is such a kidder. Very funny.
The next morning I got a call from Bobby, our worship leader. He asked if I could do him a favor. He asked if I could try to sing the solo part that had no soloist. I love Bobby. I think that swayed my decision. I said yes. Later, I realized what I had done. I was horrified.
I practiced and practiced. No amount of practice prepares you to sing in front of live people. You forget how to breath. Your knees won't be still. You feel flushed and think you may have a fever. When you hear the entro to your song, you completely forget the words. Is that even the music you have been practicing with? Oh Lord, what have you done?
Somehow, some way, I made it through. It was definitely the grace of God.
I don't know that I will ever sing a solo again. I don't know that Bobby would ever ask me to again. But I have done it. Once in my life I stood on stage in front of hundreds of people and sang. Definite bucket list item to check off. Thanks for the opportunity Lord.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Deer Woods Manners
This a daddy/daughter time in our household. We do not have any sons for my husband to pass on his love of hunting to, so he has passed it on to our daughter Kalynn. Several years ago he purchased Kalynn a gun and then went through the Hunter's Safety Course with her. Since that time November has become all about getting a deer.
This is not just a one day event in our home. Several years ago they spent weeks building a permanent deer stand on the back side of our property. A couple of months before season the two hunters begin preparing their spot. they put up a fence to keep out cows and horses, but let deer in. (Deer are amazing jumpers!) They often plant a special 'deer garden.' They offer the deer snacks.
As you can tell, there is a lot of time spent together. A daddy who realizes how quickly his baby has turned into a woman. A daughter who realizes how much she still wants and needs time with her dad. It is and hopefully always will be a special time.
Back to the manners part of this story. After weeks of preparation, opening morning for deer season had come. Kevin and Kalynn roused out of be about 5:00 in the morning, grabbed a bowl of cereal, layered on long underwear and orange, and headed to the perfect spot. The one that they had been preparing for weeks. They climbed up into the stand built by their own hands and settled in to wait for the deer. They knew it would be great because they had seen a big buck a couple of days before. Lots of anticipation.
But what do you think happened? Across the fence sat two other hunters. Two hunters who had not taken time to build the stand, plant the garden or offer snacks. There they were. And as the sun began to creep up over the horizon offering just enough light to see, some thing was coming through the autumn wood. Before my team knew what happened a shot rang out. No big buck came that morning into their sights. Nor has it any morning yet.
I have thought about this for several days. My first thought was 'how unfair.' But as I've thought about it more I have realized that what causes something to be fair or unfair is often using or lacking in manners. I know that the deer woods are probably not a place most people think of in regard to manners, but if we are ladies and gentlemen won't that carry over into every thing we do? Saying please and thank you, allowing someone else to go first and not taking something that someone else has worked for should be the norm.
Someone once told me that it was our right to be happy. That no matter what it took for each person to be happy the means could be justified. I don't believe that. I believe the person who runs over everyone around himself or herself will eventually run off everyone else. That person will be left alone and lonely. God's Word says to 'prefer others above your self.' I know that I can't make someone else have manners, but I can choose to live my life with them.
Lord, today I make a concious choice to prefer others before myself. I choose to treat others as I would want to be treated. I choose to have manners. I choose to let You shine throught me.
This is not just a one day event in our home. Several years ago they spent weeks building a permanent deer stand on the back side of our property. A couple of months before season the two hunters begin preparing their spot. they put up a fence to keep out cows and horses, but let deer in. (Deer are amazing jumpers!) They often plant a special 'deer garden.' They offer the deer snacks.
As you can tell, there is a lot of time spent together. A daddy who realizes how quickly his baby has turned into a woman. A daughter who realizes how much she still wants and needs time with her dad. It is and hopefully always will be a special time.
Back to the manners part of this story. After weeks of preparation, opening morning for deer season had come. Kevin and Kalynn roused out of be about 5:00 in the morning, grabbed a bowl of cereal, layered on long underwear and orange, and headed to the perfect spot. The one that they had been preparing for weeks. They climbed up into the stand built by their own hands and settled in to wait for the deer. They knew it would be great because they had seen a big buck a couple of days before. Lots of anticipation.
But what do you think happened? Across the fence sat two other hunters. Two hunters who had not taken time to build the stand, plant the garden or offer snacks. There they were. And as the sun began to creep up over the horizon offering just enough light to see, some thing was coming through the autumn wood. Before my team knew what happened a shot rang out. No big buck came that morning into their sights. Nor has it any morning yet.
I have thought about this for several days. My first thought was 'how unfair.' But as I've thought about it more I have realized that what causes something to be fair or unfair is often using or lacking in manners. I know that the deer woods are probably not a place most people think of in regard to manners, but if we are ladies and gentlemen won't that carry over into every thing we do? Saying please and thank you, allowing someone else to go first and not taking something that someone else has worked for should be the norm.
Someone once told me that it was our right to be happy. That no matter what it took for each person to be happy the means could be justified. I don't believe that. I believe the person who runs over everyone around himself or herself will eventually run off everyone else. That person will be left alone and lonely. God's Word says to 'prefer others above your self.' I know that I can't make someone else have manners, but I can choose to live my life with them.
Lord, today I make a concious choice to prefer others before myself. I choose to treat others as I would want to be treated. I choose to have manners. I choose to let You shine throught me.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Two Sons
In the book of John in the Bible there is a story about a father and two sons. Most of us know the teaching and refer to it as the story of the prodigal son. In the story there are three major characters, the father, the prodigal son and the older son who remains at home.
The youngest son decides he is unhappy at home and asks his father for his inheritance and leaves home. He lives for the moment totally focused on himself for quite a while. Then, because he did not stay at home and learn from the father how to manage his money, how to have a good work ethic and other life lessons, he squanders all he has. He finally finds a job that would shame his family, feeding hogs. It could have been prosituting himself, or selling drugs or any number of shady dealings. It was the only employment he believed he could find. All this time the other brother has stayed on the farm, tending livestock, sowing and reaping, living in a safe home with a father who loves him.
One day the son slopping hogs decides he just can't go on. Maybe he is sick, maybe he can't face another day in the pigpen, maybe he has been away so long he just wants to see his family one more time. He returns and before he makes it in the driveway the father is running down to meet him. The prodigal apologizes over and over. The father welcomes him home. the older brother is jealous.
What both sons did not realize is that the father loves them both. Equally. The son who left and came home finally realized it. I don't know if the son who stayed at home ever did.
God, the Father loves everyone. He loves the son who ignores Him and the son who knows Him the same. Sometimes I think we forget that. The difference today is just what it was for the two sons. The prodigal did not have the blessing that he would have had all those years he was gone, he did not know the Father all that time. The 'obedient' son lived in the daily blessings, but was jealous when he thought someone was being favoured over him. He never understood that the Father loved them both.
Isn't the goal for both sons to know the Lord? Isn't the goal for prodigals to be restored? Are we jealous when they return, or do we rejoice? The older brother had an offense. Even thought the prodigal asked for forgiveness, it was not enough. I often think the older son would have preferred a punishment. He never understood the grace that he lived in each day. Instead of making him merciful, he became judgemental.
Lord, help us to be peacemakers. Help us to encourage others to recieve grace and mercy. Bring every prodigal home.
My friend started a new blog. It is cindy-daysgoneby.blogspot.com
The youngest son decides he is unhappy at home and asks his father for his inheritance and leaves home. He lives for the moment totally focused on himself for quite a while. Then, because he did not stay at home and learn from the father how to manage his money, how to have a good work ethic and other life lessons, he squanders all he has. He finally finds a job that would shame his family, feeding hogs. It could have been prosituting himself, or selling drugs or any number of shady dealings. It was the only employment he believed he could find. All this time the other brother has stayed on the farm, tending livestock, sowing and reaping, living in a safe home with a father who loves him.
One day the son slopping hogs decides he just can't go on. Maybe he is sick, maybe he can't face another day in the pigpen, maybe he has been away so long he just wants to see his family one more time. He returns and before he makes it in the driveway the father is running down to meet him. The prodigal apologizes over and over. The father welcomes him home. the older brother is jealous.
What both sons did not realize is that the father loves them both. Equally. The son who left and came home finally realized it. I don't know if the son who stayed at home ever did.
God, the Father loves everyone. He loves the son who ignores Him and the son who knows Him the same. Sometimes I think we forget that. The difference today is just what it was for the two sons. The prodigal did not have the blessing that he would have had all those years he was gone, he did not know the Father all that time. The 'obedient' son lived in the daily blessings, but was jealous when he thought someone was being favoured over him. He never understood that the Father loved them both.
Isn't the goal for both sons to know the Lord? Isn't the goal for prodigals to be restored? Are we jealous when they return, or do we rejoice? The older brother had an offense. Even thought the prodigal asked for forgiveness, it was not enough. I often think the older son would have preferred a punishment. He never understood the grace that he lived in each day. Instead of making him merciful, he became judgemental.
Lord, help us to be peacemakers. Help us to encourage others to recieve grace and mercy. Bring every prodigal home.
My friend started a new blog. It is cindy-daysgoneby.blogspot.com
Monday, October 5, 2009
Autumn Leaves
The leaves are a-turning
Changing colors, dancing on the wind.
A-turning my head to catch thier autumn glory.
Dancing balerinas on a woodsmoke breeze.
Brown and orange, red and gold,
Carpeting the country lanes I follow to my home.
Leaves turning, changing, dancing,
Brown and orange, red and gold;
Autumn glory brings me home.
I wrote this poem several years ago. It was a time when I was missing someone I loved and I wished that I could just turn the corner, pull into a familiar driveway, and they would be waiting at the door. But, my Grandpa was gone, and I won't see him till I get to heaven. Every year about this time I get that same feeling. I want to go home. I used to think it was to a place I'd been before, but as time goes by I realize I'm lonely for someplace I've never been. I want to go to my real Home with my real Father. Maybe you feel that way too.
Changing colors, dancing on the wind.
A-turning my head to catch thier autumn glory.
Dancing balerinas on a woodsmoke breeze.
Brown and orange, red and gold,
Carpeting the country lanes I follow to my home.
Leaves turning, changing, dancing,
Brown and orange, red and gold;
Autumn glory brings me home.
I wrote this poem several years ago. It was a time when I was missing someone I loved and I wished that I could just turn the corner, pull into a familiar driveway, and they would be waiting at the door. But, my Grandpa was gone, and I won't see him till I get to heaven. Every year about this time I get that same feeling. I want to go home. I used to think it was to a place I'd been before, but as time goes by I realize I'm lonely for someplace I've never been. I want to go to my real Home with my real Father. Maybe you feel that way too.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Who You're Ropin' With
My husband, Kevin, is a team roper. If you have always lived in Oklahoma you probably know what that means, but just in case you haven't I'll explain. It is a rodeo event that is a timed competition. Another roper ropes the horns of a steer and then my husband ropes the heels. You compete against other teams doing the same thing. Whoever has the best time wins. At least that is how it works in theory.
I am not a competitive person. I watch or read a book.
My husband has a favorite saying about ropin'. "You rope as good as the people you rope with." In the ropin' world, that means that if you only go to easy ropins' where there is not much competition you can win, but you won't improve. Any dedicated athlete pushes himself to be better, and then again better. My husband who has been ropin for 30 years could go to an arena with a bunch of 12 years olds every week and win, but there would be no challenge. And it would be a discouragement to the 12 year olds.
In my time with the Lord today I was reminded of that verse. I could see how spending all my time with people can have me feeling pretty good about myself sometimes. It can also be easy to justify my actions comparing myself to other human beings. It is only when I spend time with the One who is perfect that I see myself as I really am. Spending time with the One who is full of compassion, full of mercy and full of love raises the bar for me. I don't just want to take the easy way, I want to take it up a notch. Spending time with Jesus transforms me.
It is the same way with the people we choose to be close too. They can challenge us to be all we can be, or they can encourage us to sink to a new low. My boss, Leslie, and my pastor's wife, Paula, are very intelligent women. They inspire me to gain knowledge. My friend Kerri has the best sense of humor. She inspires me to enjoy my life. My husband is a hard worker. He inspires me to keep going till the job is finished.
I don't want to get to heaven and God ask me why I only went to 'punkin pullin's' (easy ropins). I want to be challenged. I want to use up everything the Lord gave me. I want to be someone who challenges those around her. Lord, let it be so!
I am not a competitive person. I watch or read a book.
My husband has a favorite saying about ropin'. "You rope as good as the people you rope with." In the ropin' world, that means that if you only go to easy ropins' where there is not much competition you can win, but you won't improve. Any dedicated athlete pushes himself to be better, and then again better. My husband who has been ropin for 30 years could go to an arena with a bunch of 12 years olds every week and win, but there would be no challenge. And it would be a discouragement to the 12 year olds.
In my time with the Lord today I was reminded of that verse. I could see how spending all my time with people can have me feeling pretty good about myself sometimes. It can also be easy to justify my actions comparing myself to other human beings. It is only when I spend time with the One who is perfect that I see myself as I really am. Spending time with the One who is full of compassion, full of mercy and full of love raises the bar for me. I don't just want to take the easy way, I want to take it up a notch. Spending time with Jesus transforms me.
It is the same way with the people we choose to be close too. They can challenge us to be all we can be, or they can encourage us to sink to a new low. My boss, Leslie, and my pastor's wife, Paula, are very intelligent women. They inspire me to gain knowledge. My friend Kerri has the best sense of humor. She inspires me to enjoy my life. My husband is a hard worker. He inspires me to keep going till the job is finished.
I don't want to get to heaven and God ask me why I only went to 'punkin pullin's' (easy ropins). I want to be challenged. I want to use up everything the Lord gave me. I want to be someone who challenges those around her. Lord, let it be so!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Division is Multiplying
For the last year or so I have noticed a trend in the church I attend. Offense. Hurt feelings. Division.
People that I have gone to church with for years are gone from Sunday morning worship. Even relatives, whom I would have never believed would leave the church are gone. I hear that this family has gone here, or that family gone there, but many have not permanently found a church home.
This morning my pastor's wife came to the Prayer Room and we cried and prayed for those we no longer see. The sorrow was heavy. How can you spend years with a family, go through births and marriages and deaths, and one day look over and they are gone. How do you find peace in that situation?
I searched my Bible this afternoon and a verse hit me square in the face. 1 Corinthians 11:19 says: "But, of course there must be divisions among you so that you who have God's approval will be recognized!" Wow. My desire to be right and your desire to be right is what brings division. How sad that what we each want becomes more important than what God wants, which is for His children to love one another. To prefer the other above ourself. God promises that the gates of hell will not prevail against the church, but that probably won't be necessary because we will destroy the church from within.
Several years ago I read a book called 'The Bait of Satan.' It was a book about how Christians fall for offense and let it seperate them from the church. I hear people teel me every week how they don't need to go to church to be saved. You are right, only the blood of Jesus does that. But Christ Himself instituted the church. It is His body on this earth. That is not something a man thought of, but a concept brought into existance by a Holy God. Argue with Him about the church. Or ignore what He says. We still have free will. It doesn't mean it is always right, though.
The thing is, division, which divides, seems to be multiplying. Those concepts do not go together. What is going on church? Why are we accepting this believers? Let's do what God tells us to do, pray. Pray for that family that you have been missing. Pray for believers who are hurt to be restored to the body of Christ. Pray that no offense overtakes me or you. Pray that it will be more important to us to do what God says than what we feel.
People that I have gone to church with for years are gone from Sunday morning worship. Even relatives, whom I would have never believed would leave the church are gone. I hear that this family has gone here, or that family gone there, but many have not permanently found a church home.
This morning my pastor's wife came to the Prayer Room and we cried and prayed for those we no longer see. The sorrow was heavy. How can you spend years with a family, go through births and marriages and deaths, and one day look over and they are gone. How do you find peace in that situation?
I searched my Bible this afternoon and a verse hit me square in the face. 1 Corinthians 11:19 says: "But, of course there must be divisions among you so that you who have God's approval will be recognized!" Wow. My desire to be right and your desire to be right is what brings division. How sad that what we each want becomes more important than what God wants, which is for His children to love one another. To prefer the other above ourself. God promises that the gates of hell will not prevail against the church, but that probably won't be necessary because we will destroy the church from within.
Several years ago I read a book called 'The Bait of Satan.' It was a book about how Christians fall for offense and let it seperate them from the church. I hear people teel me every week how they don't need to go to church to be saved. You are right, only the blood of Jesus does that. But Christ Himself instituted the church. It is His body on this earth. That is not something a man thought of, but a concept brought into existance by a Holy God. Argue with Him about the church. Or ignore what He says. We still have free will. It doesn't mean it is always right, though.
The thing is, division, which divides, seems to be multiplying. Those concepts do not go together. What is going on church? Why are we accepting this believers? Let's do what God tells us to do, pray. Pray for that family that you have been missing. Pray for believers who are hurt to be restored to the body of Christ. Pray that no offense overtakes me or you. Pray that it will be more important to us to do what God says than what we feel.
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